unemployed...another one bites the dust

Dressing Room Dilemma

2010-09-16T18:09:00.000-07:00

So has anyone else ever gotten stuck in a garment that you couldn't get off? I did the other day...and to make matters worse, I wasn't at home, or around anyone who could help me.

So there I was in a dressing room, trying to unzip a broken zipper, that I of course had no problem zipping up. I was pulling and jumping and starting to wonder if some security camera was getting any of this.

I was just about to go ask for help...but chickened out. How pathetic would that have been!? "Excuse me..." I have no idea what I would have said after that. Who would I have even approached? A fellow shopper? I did not want to walk all the way to the cashiers! And what could they do, cut me out of it like I was in the ER?

So anyway, the dress had this really tight waist line and it just wouldn't go up over my head...and at this point I was about ready to rip or chew myself out of the thing when I got it up over my chest...and then it was smooth sailing from there. By now it was all stretched out and looking like it had been through some real trauma, which saddened me because it was such a cute dress, but I was just happy to be free.

I guess this is why girls need to shop in groups, or at least pairs!

Manicure Madness

2010-08-10T17:27:00.001-07:00

I don't usually get my nails done, and many might think an unemployed girl has better things to spend her money on...it's just that I was going to a wedding. And not just any wedding, but my very good friend from high school's wedding, which meant the whole affair was going to double as a class reunion, so I just had to get them done.

I wanted a french manicure and a pedicure. Understated elegance on the hands, party on the toes. I had to ask my sister where to go and she highly recommended a place across town. I should've known something was wrong when they didn't have my favorite OPI color, We'll Always Have Paris. So I backed out of the pedi and told the man to focus on the mani.

So he's going to town on my hands when he starts making small talk. I tell him that I'm and Interior Designer, unemployed, going to a wedding, bla bla bla. That's when he tells me that he is also recently unemployed. About two weeks ago him and his brother were manufacturing workers at a nearby factory. (He eyes his brother across the room.)

Excuse me? Are you kidding me? I just paid you to make my nails pretty and you're experience is factory work. I may be mistaken, but it just doesn't seem like factory workers have a reputation for having nicely manicured nails. WTF?

Deep breath. It doesn't help. The nails are not looking to good. I go back to chatting. I do that when I'm nervous.

Now we're onto interior design related topics. He tells me he did the entire design of the nail salon and asks me what I think. Gulp. Not feeling any more relaxed about this man working on my nails as I see what he is capable of with interiors. And I am a horrible liar. How am I suppose to answer? I comment on the lighting and the cool color palette. He informs me that he purchased everything on the Internet. I reply with my patent safe line, "That's something..."

He's finishing up and I just decide to cut my losses. He can't really fix what he's done without starting over. I get to my car and realize I have more nail polish on the skin surrounding my nails as I do on the nails! Oh well...never again.

Sacrifice in the Name of Fashion

2010-05-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

So I visited my grandma yesterday. She is super cool of course...but doesn't quite grasp the idea that she is old. She is very independent and doesn't like help with anything, or from anything in this case.

Whenever I visit she likes to give me a tour of the place and show me all the things she's been working on around the house or garden...I started cracking up when we walked into her bedroom to admire some new bed sheets and I notice she's using a walker as a clothes rack! That's so her... and me.

Sacrifice yourself in the name of fashion...a rule I've always followed. "Who cares how it feels on, as long as you look good in it."...and in her case, "Who cares if I break a hip, my pants are wrinkle free."

New Phone

2010-04-26T10:15:00.000-07:00

I must admit...when I first heard someone talking about a Droid I thought they were talking about some Star Wars character. Turns out there's this whole new android market niche in the cell phone industry!

This past weekend I got a new phone. The Samsung Moment. My brother, Daniel, who is 11, knows more about this phone than I do. (He has also installed 30+ apps that I am positive I will never need, including a Bic lighter?!?!)

Although I am still figuring it out, it's pretty cool. I can listen to music, watch You Tube, change my Facebook status, check my email, text like crazy, and so many other things I have never dreamed about doing with a phone!

So, I'm a bit behind the technology curve...but I just got a little closer.

Another Fire

2010-04-09T10:58:00.000-07:00

It's freezing out. It's freezing inside too. I didn't think much of it, I woke up to a light dusting of snow outside, I thought it must just be cold. Then I decided to turn up the heat, only to realize the heat wasn't even on and my house was at 57 degrees. This explains why I kept feeling the need for more blankets last night.

I turned on the furnace and cranked up the thermostat to 67. Then I decided to get online and test my luck with a space heater aimed on my feet while I searched the Internet. It made a few strange noises but was producing heat so I just let it go. Then it made a noise like that of a spaceship landing and burst into flames. I instantly hit the "off" button but that seemed to have no effect. I decided my best attempt was to try and remove it from my house. (If it were going to implode I thought it could best do so outdoors.)

I picked it up and started to run...still plugged in. Oops. Unplugged it and started to run. It was definitely on fire. I started to blow on the fire as I ran for the exit. I got it outside set it down as the fire was becoming more evident and shooting flames from the vent below the handle. I sat it down and blew and blew and finally put out the fire. Relief.

This is the second time in 6 months that an electrical device I was using has caught fire. The first was my heated seat (as I sat on it) and now this. I think I should stay clear of them for awhile...

Calliou & Mr. Hinkle

2010-04-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

Today, while watching PBS with a couple of preschool aged friends, I caught an episode of Calliou. I've included a summary of the episode I found online to bring you up to speed:

"Get Well Mr. Hinkle" Episode Summary (http://www.tv.com/caillou/all-around-the-block!/episode/212711/summary.html?tag=blackout#)

Caillou is in the living room, playing with Rexy, when the mail comes. He gets the mail from the mailman and then takes it to Daddy. He asks if there's anything for him, but Daddy says that there isn't. He does, however, point out a catalogue that was actually supposed to go to Mr. Hinkle. He asks Caillou to deliver it to Mr. Hinkle. Caillou gets into it and has Daddy dress him up as mailman. He and Daddy then take the catalogue to Mr. Hinkle, who shows him that he's already received a copy of that particular catalogue. So he lets Caillou keep it. Back at home, Caillou notes that Mr. Hinkle still had his pajamas on. Daddy thinks that maybe Mr. Hinkle wasn't feeling well. So Caillou and Daddy put together a get-well package for Mr. Hinkle, with a card and flowers in vase which Caillou paints himself. They take it all to Mr. Hinkle, who is happy to receive it. He notices that the card features a bluebird, which is appropriate because he just got a new birdhouse. He asks Caillou to come back tomorrow and he'll show it to him.

First of all, replace all the word "Daddy"with "Mommy" because that was what I saw in the episode, at least what I think I saw...but that is a moot point.

My real concern is the way they automatically insinuate Mr. Hinkle is ill just because he answered the door in pajamas. If he was really ill why would he have answered the door at all? I mean come on, is it illegal to answer the door in your PJ's? For crying out loud, maybe Mr. Hinkle is having a bad day, maybe he's suffering from depression, maybe he lost his job and doesn't have a reason to get dressed. Anyone ever think of that?

Just an unbiased observation.

Bones + Cellulite

2010-03-30T14:13:00.000-07:00

The one good thing about stress is it makes me skinny. Not in that attractive sort of way. More like a bones + cellulite kind of way. I can see my ribs and pelvic bone, but in between are cottage cheese like curdles. It is a somewhat disgusting body I see in the mirror, but I'm hoping a little suntan will mask the imperfections. I keep telling myself that Spring is a good time to be stressed, as bikini season is just around the corner.

On an up side, I can also fit into this really tight pair of capris that have never really fit right. The only problem is they are now the only pair of jeans that fit right, and they are, as I said before, capris. It is still freezing here in Michigan and so I am only wearing them around the house with tall socks, which in itself is not right either.

Oh, and if the cottage cheese analogy didn't just make you vomit a little...it did me. I decided yesterday that I needed to start exercising again. I went for a little jog. I lived to write this, so maybe I will try it again sometime.

P.S. The skinny jeans I once despised of are no longer a problem...

My Great Escape

2010-03-25T17:40:00.000-07:00

I knew I needed an escape, I wanted to forget about all of life's problems and submerge myself in something so rapturing I wouldn't be reminded of my own worries.

I called my friend Tiffany (I will not hold it against her that she is "Team Jacob.") She owns all of the Twilight Series books by Stephenie Meyer and it was high time I borrowed them. Each one hundreds of pages long. If this worked I would have but one agenda for the coming weekend...

And it did.

In five days I had read the entire series. Amazing. I am through and through "Team Edward." I am as obsessed with Edward at age 30 as I was with Leo DiCaprio after the Titanic when I truly had the excuse of 'teenager.'

The selfless love that Edward has for Bella is so addicting in itself, it is no wonder every girl, woman, and man I have spoken to, who have previously read the books are as engrossed with the series as I am. And I was quite annoying as I called my friends and family at all hours of the day and night to gush about the books. (Sorry Thomas & Autumn.)

Here it is, day two without Bella, Edward, & Jacob, and I am having extreme withdrawals. My dreams, previously laced with my own nightmares have been replaced with those of vampires & werewolves, but I welcome them...This series was exactly what I had hoped for.

If you have not read them you are missing out. Get on it!

When I Grow Up...

2010-03-25T07:44:00.001-07:00

I met with Isaac, my mentee, for the last time this past Tuesday. He and his family are moving to South Carolina in hopes of a better job market. I've been meeting with him once a week since November and he has become my new BFF. I enjoyed seeing him every week...I think he was more of a help to me than I was a mentor to him.

We both hated math but every week I would pull out the Spiderman multiplication cards and I would try and convince him how math was important and bribe him with McDonald's Happy Meals and Hershey bars when he passed a weekly multiplication quiz. He was never that motivated and I always wondered if he dreaded spending Tuesday's with me instead of going to lunch & recess with his friends.

But on our last encounter he surprised me, proved me wrong. He had been listening to me all along, remembering our conversations. Months ago I spent the entire visit explaining how math was so important and that every job he would ever do would require math. I proved my point as he told me he wanted to grow up to play video games, be a cop, a rock star, and anything else he could think of as he tried to stump me.

This past week, our last visit, he reminded me we had never finished the "Getting to Know Me" workbook we had started on our first meeting. We pulled it out and I started asking him questions from the Interest Inventory. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I asked.

He shrugged so I answered. " When I grow up I want to be happy," I told him.

He instantly replied, "Hey, you don't need math for that!"

"Yeah I guess you're right Isaac." I'm gonna miss that kid.

I told him he needed to tell his new school in South Carolina that he had a mentor in Michigan and that they needed to get him an even cooler mentor than me. He told me that no one would be as cool as me. I cried on the way home.

Chicken Juice

2010-03-06T07:17:00.001-08:00

I like those little mini-carts you can use at Meijer. Two tiered, compact, you can maneuver around the whole store so easy. I had set my purse on the bottom rack, and started putting all the stuff in the top one. By the time I got to the rotisserie chicken there wasn't much room left (and the chicken has to be your last stop) so I just set it on top of everything else and made my way to the checkout.

I didn't really fully comprehend what had happened until I was paying the cashier and I reached into the abyss I call my purse and my hand became wet, and warm, and smelly. Papers were drenched in a carmel colored liquid and the lining of my purse was all wet and gross. Chicken Juice. It had poured out of its little home and was drenching the contents in my opened purse. It was sick.

I hate that feeling. I knew that the things in my purse (my life) were swimming in a gravy base and all I could do was pay the lady and hurry home to dump out the contents.

The dog greeted me right away as she pressed her nose into my purse. The entire handbag at this point smelled like dinner. As Lola was enjoying herself I began to assess the damage.

I dumped everything out and wiped down what I could. I pulled out another purse I was saving for spring (it just looks like spring) but decided I was no longer waiting for spring to arrive before using it. Desperate measures people, I wouldn't typically walk around late winter with a spring purse!

Transfer of purse belongings was a success...and then I had to try and figure out how to clean the lining of my juiced purse. I didn't think I could put it in the washing machine without destroying it so I pulled out the lining the best I could and soaked it in detergent water while trying to keep the exterior of the purse dry...The verdict isn't in yet. After one soak and rinse the purse still arouses the dog. I think it will need another go around.

Moral of the Story: Don't set you purse underneath a rotisserie chicken!

A Case of the Mean Reds...

2010-02-10T16:02:00.000-08:00

I treated myself to an Audrey Hepburn marathon yesterday. Just me and a DVD boxed set, the fuzzy blanket my grandma made me, and a bag of chips. A good portion of my unemployed time is spent eating crap on my sofa. The good news (or is it?) is I live in Michigan, it's been months since I've looked out my window and haven't seen snow. Because of this, everyone in the state is wearing big sweaters & puffy coats, both of which are very complimentary to my chub. Come spring I'm done for, but... it works for now. (Might have to re-think my stand on jogging.)

As I fantasized of a by gone era, where women wore beautiful dresses and big jewelery, a few lines stuck with me. Not as fascinating as you might think, but they stuck with me.

Breakfast at Tiffany's:
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?

Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?

Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat, and maybe it's been raining too long. You're just sad, that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid, and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?

Ugh, the "mean reds." I could totally relate. (I don't know if its bad or good to relate to a fictional character?) It just made some sense. Ever get a case of the mean reds? I think it's the perfect phrase for an unemployed person to use, and come on, who doesn't want to quote Audrey Hepburn? (Oh, and for all you literary buffs: Truman Capote actually wrote the line...but as far as I'm concerned Audrey made it famous.)

Canine Hieroglyphics

2010-02-06T10:35:00.000-08:00

It seems that everyone likes to hear about the adventures of Lola, and so I'm digging into the archives for this doozy. Even at an early age the pooch knew how to make me vomit...

It was a warm summer day (not a blistering hot summer day...I live in Michigan and those don't exist, especially not last summer.) My sweet pup was about 6 months old. She hated being left behind and my husband had been nagging at me to take her with me when I ran errands. He had been taking her on trips in the car and she was doing great. We wanted to acclimate her to all kinds of things in her youth to ensure she would be a people loving, easy going dog.

I gave Lola some time in the yard for a "bathroom break" and then we headed off on our journey.

We ran around town together, wind in our hair, enjoying each other's company. Lola was doing great. Like most of her first year, I forgot she was a puppy. She was so well behaved.

My last stop was Lowes. I knew I'd have to go inside the store for this one, but all I needed was a gallon of paint (right of the shelf paint, not even custom colored.) I parked on the edge of the lot, and cracked all the windows. I was just going to be a few minutes...

In and out, no problem. Less than ten minutes.

As I approached the truck I could hear Lola barking in her happy voice. She was bouncing around the front seat so happy to see me. I'm not exactly what you would call a dog person, but at this moment I thought I could pass for one. I was looking forward to saying hello to my little pup.

I reached for the door and at this moment knew something was not right. I could smell disaster, literally. I opened the door and the stench of dog shit hit me like a brick wall, and then my gag reflux kicked in. Lola came bouncing toward me, covered in her own feces. I picked her up, wrapped her leash around some car part and set her on the pavement. The odor was so intense that I had to turn around to catch my breath. I then began to assess the damage.

It seems that the bulk of damage, the actually impact site, occurred directly on the crack in the front seat (of course it did.) From here it was apparent that Lola then stepped into the poo (using all four of her paws), shoving it deep, down into the seat crevice. The cab of that truck was coated in shitty paw prints and shitty smudges. I can't even begin to imagine how all of this happened in less than ten minutes.

I wanted to cry. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to just throw the truck away and get a new one. I looked around the parking lot in despair and then reality sank in. I was going to have to drive this thing home.

I took a deep breath and made my move. I circled the truck, gagging, as Lola bounced at my feet. I opened all the doors to air out the truck and found some old rags in the back seat. (I was really grateful at this point that I was driving Ben's truck and that he has all kinds of weird things in the back seat: like tools, tow chains, and RAGS!)

Taking a rag in my right hand I grasped what was left of the giant mound of poo on the front seat, but then I didn't know what to do with it. Usually, I am totally against littering, but at this moment all environmental conviction left me and chucked the rag full of crap under the truck.

I wanted to get more of the feces out of the truck but I didn't know how. The crap was smeared into the upholstered seats, the windshield was covered with poop, and what I like to call canine hieroglyphics decorated the dashboard. It was everywhere. Perfect little paw silhouettes and streaks of brown poop covered every surface I could see. So I gave up. I didn't know what to do at this point. I just knew I needed to get home. I needed to get in proximity to my garden hose, rubber gloves, and a disinfectant.

I lined the seat with rags and picked up my shitty, little dog and placed her in the passenger seat. At this point I looked down to see Johnny's face was also covered in crap ( I was sporting a very awesome, vintage, Johnny Cash, Folsom Prison T-shirt.) I sat in the driver's seat, tears filled my eyes, and started the car. I tried to buckle up using just my pinky fingers, and placed the belt behind my back. I didn't want to rub the shit on Johnny's face into the strap. I tried to only touch the steering wheel with the palms of my hands (mostly because the steering wheel was caked in shit) but that proved quite difficult at the fist turn. I hadn't wanted to roll the windows down, for fear that the smeared on crap would get trapped in the door compartment, but the stench was so intense that I had no choice but to roll them down.

Of course, instantaneously, my nose started to itch, my hair needed tucked behind my ear, and I felt so dirty...I wanted a shower in the worst way. It was the worst drive home ever, of all time. I kept dry heaving the entire way home, and every chance I got I stuck my head out the window (as if I were the dog.) All the while Lola just sat there in the passenger seat smiling, looking around at her work with a twinkle in her eye.

I was mostly concerned for Johnny. I bought the T-shirt on ebay and couldn't imagine a world without this garment in it! As for the truck, I thought (for sure) it was a lost cause. I wondered if the insurance company could just "total it." And, as I mentioned above, Lola was unaware, maybe even a little proud? Turns out all three cleaned up just fine. And I took about a million showers to decontaminate myself after cleaning up the others (I even used the disinfectant on myself.)

I'm only going to say this once...

2010-02-06T08:31:00.000-08:00

Wallpaper borders are like design suicide. They are my least favorite thing for walls. They rank right up there with outfits for concrete geese...in fact, on a scale of 1 to 10 they are a 0.

I've been thinking this for a long time, I've even said it out loud a time or two, but today I wanted to put it out there for the world. I'm glad I got that off my chest.

The Skinny on the Skinny

2010-01-28T13:56:00.000-08:00

I'm liking my new jeans with big sweaters and boots, but here's a bit of advise (which most people already live by.) The dryer is no place for skinny jeans.

Being a short girl I am always putting my jeans in the dryer. It beats hemming them and is ideal for someone who detest laundry, like myself. It's just easy. I was total oblivious as I threw that load in the dryer and an hour later it was too late. What was once a slightly tight pair of jeans had become a little, itty, bitty pair of jeans. I feared the worse.

However, thanks to my friend spandex (2%) I was able to squeeze them on. Literally, squeezing was involved. I wore them around the house until all my cellulose stretched them out to a more desirable consistency. I can know thankfully say that I can wear them again in public.

I just hope I can remember this the next time I do laundry. I don't think they'd make it another round.

Grave Digger

2010-01-20T19:06:00.000-08:00

Did I ever tell you I have a dog? Well, I do. If you know me then you have probably heard my 'Lola Stories' but in case I haven't seen you in a while I am going to share her latest adventure...

It was a regular morning. I was in the bathroom putting on make up and Lola was outside. Our bathroom wall is an exterior wall and I could hear her along side the house, making too much noise. She'd been doing a lot of digging, even though the ground is frozen solid, so I ran outside quick to see what was going on and hopefully put a stop to it.

But I wasn't ready for what I found: A pale yellow, knitted, baby blanket covered in dirt, surrounded by snow, lying a few feet from the house. I instantaneously screamed, "No!" as memories of a little stone marked 'Zig' came to mind. She hadn't been digging just anywhere, she had dug up the previous owner's pet cemetery!

I had seen the gravestone soon after we moved in about three years ago. It creeped me out the first time I saw it, mostly because someone had buried their dog that close the house. The second time I came across that rock I threw it away. It may seem inhumane, but it wasn't my dog, I had no ties to Zig, and I didn't like having a tombstone in my garden!

As soon as we got Lola our neighbors fell in love with her too, and Lola became the thing we had in common. We got to know Russ & Lee much better over this past year and learned more about all the neighborhood pets during this time. We also learned that the previous owners had a golden retriever, and that he got hit by a car on our street. That story had me constantly freaking out that Lola would get hit by a car too (she is a great escape artist and has no road sense whatsoever.) Anyways, Lola loves Russ & Lee as much as she does us I think. It's probably because they are constantly bringing her treats.

Anyhow, there I was in my husband's boots, half dressed, headband on, but not quite enough makeup to be seen in public yet. I grabbed a snow shovel and headed toward what I thought must be Zig's blanket. I wasn't about to touch it with my hands! As I scooped up the precious little blanket it became very clear that this was no ordinary blanket, but the blanket Zig was buried in, and that it was still housing the remains of Zig. As I got the blanket into the scoop two little paws fell out of the blanket, still furry and with really long toenails. At this point I almost vomited and threw the remains into the hole along side our house. I knew I was not going to be able to do anything after seeing those paws.

I called Lola over and grabbed her by the collar and drug her into the house, knowing she was not going back outside until Ben could come home and take care of "it." But as I was dragging my dog I looked around the backyard and took note of all the bones lying in the snow. We never give her bones, and so I had always assumed that they were gifts from Russ & Lee...and at this exact moment a sick thought came over me. Could my dog be a canine cannibal? Had she been chewing on the remnants of her forefathers? Disgusting!

So I did what anyone in my shoes would have done. I removed the dog from the crime scene and called my husband and told him that he was going to have to destroy the evidence.

Skinny Jeans

2010-01-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

I don't know who's bright idea it was for skinny jeans to be the "it jeans"...but I have a hunch they were blessed with no butt, slim hips, long legs, and no muffin top (and I'm not talking about cupcake's relative.) I want to wear them, but every time I put them on I want to take them right back off. Maybe it's because I wasn't blessed with all the things mentioned in my first sentence?!

I could have just gone through life never wearing them but then winter came, and boot season, and I really, really love boots. I need to be able to tuck my jeans into my boots!

I tried a pair on last week at TJ Maxx, one of my all time favorite stores. I did the whole jumping dance to get them on and then looked in the mirror and held back the vomit. Disgusting, as suspected. I literally had to peel them off, and in doing so I was peeling off my underwear at the same rate. I've got my butt exposed, I'm hoping on one foot and tugging at the pant leg trying to escape from this horrible garment. I really hope they do not have surveillance in the dressing rooms!

So I was at Forever 21 yesterday and against my better judgment I tried a pair on. Surprisingly enough they fit pretty descent (even though it is a teeny bopper store) and since they were on clearance for only $9.99 I took my chances and purchased them.

I haven't worn them yet, but maybe when I find a long shirt...

Shit

2010-01-06T14:57:00.000-08:00

I somehow ended up, quite unexpectedly, on a conference call with a old friend who was reviewing a proposal I had done for a new client. (He works with the client and helped to bring me on board with the current project.)

All this is quite new to me as I have never worked on my own, doing a project "on the side" before. (Can you still call it "on the side" when you have no other real employment? Yes? No?) Anyhow, I called him to discuss my first ever proposal and he tells me that he and the client are currently meeting, discussing my proposal, and he puts me on speaker phone.

It was hard to hear them but I think we discussed a few key points and then I thought he took me off speaker phone, because all of a sudden he was much more audible. He mentioned something that to me seemed rather tricky and I said, "Shit."

Then it hit me...what did I just do? I think I just said "shit" out loud, on speaker phone, as a women is contemplating hiring me!!! It's a little premature in the relationship for the client to know I have a potty mouth! Shit! I have not heard from them yet but I think my angle is to pretend as if it never happened, I think bringing it up would only be making the situation more obvious.

Besides, I really low balled my fee. If they wanted someone who didn't talk like a sailor they would need to pay more.

The greatest thing about being unemployed...

2010-01-06T14:38:00.000-08:00

I just hung up the phone with a solicitor from the local fire department wondering if I would purchase tickets to some event that would in return benefit the department, I think. A good cause I guess...but don't you hate it when you get those calls? I feel so guilty that all I am thinking about is how to hang up in the most polite way possible. But in these past few months I have realized I can turn that situation around quite quickly, making the caller feel all the guilt that seconds before I possessed! And I can tell it's working by the tone in their voices.

Caller: Would you like to...give us money?

Me: Oh, you know, I recently became unemployed and...Goodbye.

It was a little more difficult with the American Cancer Society, because I usually do give them money every year, but I think they understood. I think there must be a lot of unemployed people these days because a lot of callers don't even press on with their sales pitch...sometimes they just say, "I understand" and hang up, which I find more comforting.

So, the greatest thing about being unemployed, besides sleeping in, are the guilt free rejections you can offer to various non-profit organizations. (As you can see, this is by no means a good reason to quit your job!)

Don't Waste Good Cologne on Bad Boyfriends

2009-12-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

It occurred to me as I stood at the cologne counter, opening bottles and holding them to my nose, either to scrunch up my face in disgust or close my eyes and smile (as if that prolongs the enjoyment)...that I have wasted far too many of the good scents on ex-boyfriends! At least three scents reminded me of someone, and by someone I mean a man that is not my father.

So here is my advise for all the single ladies, do not buy a cologne you'd like to smell for the rest of your life on some boyfriend you just met, or some jerk of a man you're dating...because when you finally do meet Mr. Forever (a.k.a The One) you don't want to have to go to the perfume counter only to purchase your second or third favorite scent because the best smelling cologne now reminds you of some guy that it didn't work out with. Just a thought.

My Favorite Earrings...

2009-12-11T10:17:00.000-08:00

How could I have missed this...my favorite earrings are now available in silver. I bought a pair today as soon as I came across them!

These would make a great Christmas gift for any lady on your list!

www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=35409064

holycraptheroadsarebad!

2009-12-11T10:10:00.000-08:00

I knew the drive would be bad but I had no idea I would be risking my life, driving through blizzards to get here. This is a temporary job...I think I need to weigh "temporary" against the damage that will incur on my vehicle and mental/physical health by coming to work! I experienced near death at least a million times as I white knuckled my way here this morning...ugh!

It's all about who you know...

2009-11-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

Well, I wanted work and I've got it. I start a two week gig at Bissell tomorrow. We'll see if I change my mind about it after driving to Grand Rapids at the crack of dawn so I can be there by 8. I am not exactly known for being on time to anything so I hope I can pull this off.

My friend Katie hooked me up. She works there and really needed some temporary help, and since we worked together at Pfizer doing facility design she called me since she knew I was out of work. So that saying is true, it's all about who you know...

Macy's & Ethics

2009-11-19T12:34:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I purchased some bed sheets at Macy's and this week saw them advertised for a lot less during a "2 Day Sale." I decided I'd just return the unused, unopened sheets and re-purchase them at the sale price. It had been less than 30 days, and I had the receipt, so I figured I wasn't breaking any return policies...

I approached the counter with my return, and ad in hand described to the sales lady my intentions. She fumbles with her response and lets me know that she's not sure I would be able to purchase the sheets back unless they have the same sheets on the shelf. She leaves the counter and goes off looking for them, even though the set I want is currently sitting on the counter. When she returns I tell her that it's not a problem she didn't find any sheet sets that are identical to the set I am returning because I can just buy the set back, to which she replies, and I quote, "It's against store policy because that would be unethical."

Against store policy is a little sketchy, but unethical?! Of all the cards in her deck that's the one she wants to play? Really, unethical? Really?

Did I mention the sheet set in question is from the Martha Stewart Collection? In fact, Macy's is currently covered head to toe with the light teal Martha Stewart trademark. And Macy's is questioning my ethics? Their very own poster child is a walking talking billboard of what unethical behavior is. Am I the only one who remembers that this lady went to prison...and why?

And further more, what ethical person can sell a set of flannel twin sheets for $60.00, put them on sale for $35.99, and days later mark them down to $23.99? They're probably not even worth $10 but I thought they would be so cute to get for my little brother. How can the guy who priced those sheets even sleep at night? Oh wait, I know, on a bed of money made up in free sheet promos from the Martha Stewart Collection.

Also, they were made in Pakistan...do we really even know what kind of labor regulations are set up in that country, let alone the environmental footprint the textile industry is leaving on this planet? And my ethics are those in question?

I guess my purchase is a bit unethical when I look at it from these perspectives, but asking to return the sheets and re-purchase them for a fraction of what I paid is not the reason. Macy's moral compass went all wacky long before I attended that 2 Day Sale.

I fell off the wagon.

2009-11-11T15:17:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that blogging became another thing that I just didn't fell like doing, but I'm going to give it another try. I am still unemployed and depressed so the title still fits. However, you can only complain for so long about yourself! I'm going to try and write about the nicer things in life, however limited they may seem to be.

Stay posted everyone!

Retail Therapy

2009-10-18T18:08:00.000-07:00

Last week, as I tried to get over the depression associated with being unemployed and married to a man who thinks I am a housewife, I tried some therapy...retail therapy. You might be wondering why someone on a small fixed income is shopping, as am I, but I couldn't stop myself. I have always been a sucker for a deal and now that I have time to look for these deals I am finding them everywhere.

I started at Meijer, grocery shopping and using all the coupons I cut from the paper. If you bought 5 Campbell's soups and a loaf a bread you got a $5 Meijer coupon. That's like getting it all for free! So I stayed at that do it yourself lane and kept doing it over and over. I now have a lot of bread & soup.

Then I had to go to Menards to pick up parts to fix our wood stove (wood heat is cheap) and found some other good things, like these balls to put in your dryer that cut down on dry time, and really cheap rakes we'll need this fall. You know, the necessities!

But all this shopping got me feeling like more shopping and so I went to Ulta. And bought some makeup that was on sale, that I didn't really need. But I saw this advertisement on TV aimed at unemployed persons and it said to "invest in yourself" so I did.

The trip to Ulta then led me into TJ Maxx & Old Navy, because they're in the same plaza. I needed to find Ben new jeans but I also found me a new sweater. And I had to go to Old Navy because they so nicely had sent me a coupon.

So that was all Monday. The next day I met Marie at the mall, and on another day I met my mom at TJ Maxx, and by the weekend I was feeling a little guilty about buying new things so I went to some church sales on Friday & Saturday. There I filled bags for only $1.00 and got so many more things! I bought items for basically everyone I know so if you are reading this and I know you I probably have a bag in my dining room just waiting for you!

I don't know how well the therapy worked...but I think it did a little because I read my post titled "I'm a Loser" and thought to myself, "That girl is pathetic, I am way cooler than her."

I never wanted to be a housewife...

2009-10-13T19:51:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling more like my old self again. I had completely underestimated how much of my self identity I placed in my job, and not having a job has really created a void that the Oreos are just not filling! It doesn't help when my husband makes comments like, "I thought the house was going to start looking more clean since you're not working?" To which I start sobbing and screaming that I did not sign up for this $%&# and I never wanted to be a housewife. I once did consider the life of a housewife, but only in a dream, and in this dream I was filthy rich and had maids and housekeepers. In reality I am not cut out for it .

On a positive note, today was my first day as a mentor through Kids Hope USA. Every Tuesday I will be meeting Isaac. He is a 3rd grader at Lake Center (the same elementary school I was working on) and he is really cool. He told me he has never had a mentor before and I told him I have never had a mentee before, so this is new to us both. I left him today unharmed and he had learned no new swear words, so pretty much I did great!

Disability vs. Unemployment

2009-10-13T19:47:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking...does disability pay more than unemployment??? And would plastic surgery qualify? Just thinking outside the box folks :)

I'm a Loser

2009-10-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

Seriously. Is this my life? I am pretty much a loser. I received my last paycheck Friday and now the real life adventures of an unemployed Interior Designer begin. Only, I am a loser. We'll see what adventures I can actually embark on.

I stay in bed late and barely make to do list (I am a to do list kind of girl.) And even when I do have things to do I put them off until tomorrow or the next day. At least Mark Twain was in agreement with me, "Do not put off until tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well."

I'm going to have to resort to my old stories in order to fill this blog with interesting reading material...I do have some pretty great stories though. I am prone to self imposed embarrassment, clumsiness, and saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

In case you're not picking up on it, this post is laced with a wee bit of self pity which directly correlates with the title. I will write again when I am not feeling like such a douche.

Me...A Guest Speaker

2009-10-02T11:15:00.000-07:00

Today I was a guest speaker for an Interior Design "Professional Practices" course at Western Michigan University! If you know me at all you would be asking yourself what I asked myself: Who would let me speak to impressionable young adults on purpose? Well, let me explain.

I got a call from the professor, Beth Jarl, last night. She had a speaker all lined up and they got sick or something. Beth then called Meghan at TMP, who was too busy to fill in, but gave her my name and I decided to do it. It seemed like a good reason to roll out of bed and get dressed.

So even though I was like the third string I got a chance to tell a bunch of seniors about my professional life post graduation. I didn't really have much time to prepare and Beth asked me not to dwell to long on the "lay off." (Isn't that crazy...she didn't want me to freak them out too bad with the economic crisis.) So I talked in my usual fast paced, sporadic, mess of a vocabulary and hopefully wasn't a total let down to the profession!

I even think I was able to sucker a young lady into interning at TMP with Meghan. (Pro bono of course!)

Beth told me that the Interior Design program at WMU and other colleges around the country are in need of NCIDQ certified Designers with a Master's degree to teach the Interior Design curriculum. So keep that in your back pocket!

Autodesk Assistance Program

2009-09-30T17:39:00.000-07:00

http://usa.autodesk.com/adsk/servlet/item?siteID=123112&id=13107886&linkID=12338624

Check out this link to learn more about the Autodesk Assistance Program. Great for "displaced" professionals like me who want to stay in the know and learn programs that will give me an edge on the competition!

You can get a free 13-month term student license of an Autodesk program like AutoCAD, Autodesk Revit Architecture, Autodesk Inventor Professional, and/or AutoCAD Civil 3D software. Awesome!

Morning Jogger My Ass

2009-09-24T07:09:00.001-07:00

Remember that dream I had about becoming a morning jogger? Scratch that. I'm out.

Yesterday I completely bailed on a five mile run with my friend Betsy. It was muggy and wet outside and I just could not bring myself to get out of bed for that kind of torture. Today I felt guilty so I pulled myself from the sheets for a easy two mile run. Sounded a lot more do-able when I agreed to it. I was supposed to meet at her place at 8:30. I showed up at 9. Strike one. I have never been a morning person. I think at age thirty you just come to grips with the fact that you're never going to be a morning person.

I got there, hair unbrushed, no makeup, clothes-who knows if they matched. I literally think I scared an old man as we ran by him. Strike two. Not the cute little morning jogger stereotype I had in mind.

And lastly...I thought I was dying! Strike three. Usually two miles is great, not that bad. But I have not ran in a while and Betsy is so fast now. I got that scratchy throat thing from all the hard breathing. I hate that. And then when it was all over I thought I was going to puke, but I didn't.

I'm not giving up on running...just the morning part, the looking cute part, the being good at it part, and the part where you do it in bad weather. And well, since I live in Michigan that eliminates a lot of running :)

Just another day off...

2009-09-21T18:12:00.000-07:00

Just another day off...and I think I can get used to this. I cleaned up a bit, painted the trim upstairs, did some drywall patching, and watched a movie. Now that I am feeling more like a productive citizen again I am working on my to do list. My main "to do" is finishing our master bedroom and bathroom. We've been working on it for a year now, so needless to say I have this huge unfinished hole in my house. Now is the perfect time for me to finish it!

Having all this time off also means that my dog Lola gets less time in her crate and more time just lounging around the house with me. This is good and bad. She is so great most of the time that I forget she is still a puppy and just expect her to be behaving herself. In this past week I have lost a bra and three pair of underwear to extreme chewing. Ugh! And of course they're not the old nasty underwear that you've had since college. They were all new, cute, and are now either in the garbage or missing a crotch.

No Worker Left Behind

2009-09-21T18:06:00.000-07:00

http://www.michigan.gov/documents/nwlb/NWLB_Fact_Sheet_Final_203216_7.pdf

I was going to check out this program at Michigan Works, but I won't qualify because Ben makes too much money :) However, if anyone else is interested it seems like a great program...You don't necessarily need to be unemployed to take advantage of it. Check it out!

Moping

2009-09-17T06:18:00.000-07:00

I started out with good intentions but moping seems to be getting the best of me. Before being laid off, when just the thought of being laid off was a fog lingering around the office, I told myself it wouldn't be so bad. I thought off all the things I could do with my free time.

I was going to be one of those morning joggers. You know the type - the lady you pass on your drive into work, looking fabulous in her little Nike outfit (complete with matching shoes) just running along the street. I thought, she must not have a job, and I thought I could be her...if I didn't have a job. Well, now I don't have a job. The thing is, I don't like getting out of bed, it would take to much effort to match my clothes, let alone run, and why start all this today when I have nothing to do tomorrow? I'm going to save that dream for another day...

I have currently been preoccupied with eating Doritos, both the ones in the bag and those that land on my chest, as I lay on the sofa in my pajamas watching what appears to be daytime television. I didn't realise how horrible it really was (daytime television). Yesterday Maury had a show and the whole premise was to guess if these scantly dressed guests were male or female. WTF?

On a positive note, I did manage to make it down to MI Works, which I thought was the unemployment office?! It's not. So after I left there I went to the real unemployment office and met a lady named Tina who was super friendly and very helpful.

Day One

2009-09-14T21:23:00.000-07:00

On the same day I read the recession was over...I got laid off. That was last Friday, September 11th of all days (as if the memory of that day couldn't get any worse, it did.) I knew it was coming, but it was still like a punch in the stomach when I got pulled into the conference room for the talk. What sucks the most is that I really liked my job. I worked with my best friend and a bunch of other cool people, and I was doing what I liked. I was an Interior Designer.

I wallowed in my own self pity for the entire weekend.

Today I have managed to shower, defer my student loans, pack up my desk and clean out my "inbox," and have been rejected by the online unemployment claim system of Michigan. I guess I will need to stand in line just like the next guy. That's a job for tomorrow...well today actually. (Only the unemployed me would be up this late, but even that new me is getting tired.) I've got a lot to do tomorrow. Getting out of bed alone will take a tremendous amount of will power :)

But before I leave you...an interesting tidbit. Today I learned to never hit send on a mass email before double checking who is included in your entire contact list! I accidentally, and stupidly, managed to let all my friends, and a dozen or so customers ($%^&!) know that I was no longer with the company - and in a very blunt, mildly sarcastic way. I then proceeded to try and recall the message and respond with another less harsh, and hopefully warmer message, that will ensure I have a job with the company if this market ever picks up, and they decide to call me back to work! You know, when the recession really is over.