The Skinny on the Skinny

I'm liking my new jeans with big sweaters and boots, but here's a bit of advise (which most people already live by.) The dryer is no place for skinny jeans.

Being a short girl I am always putting my jeans in the dryer. It beats hemming them and is ideal for someone who detest laundry, like myself. It's just easy. I was total oblivious as I threw that load in the dryer and an hour later it was too late. What was once a slightly tight pair of jeans had become a little, itty, bitty pair of jeans. I feared the worse.

However, thanks to my friend spandex (2%) I was able to squeeze them on. Literally, squeezing was involved. I wore them around the house until all my cellulose stretched them out to a more desirable consistency. I can know thankfully say that I can wear them again in public.

I just hope I can remember this the next time I do laundry. I don't think they'd make it another round.

Grave Digger

Did I ever tell you I have a dog? Well, I do. If you know me then you have probably heard my 'Lola Stories' but in case I haven't seen you in a while I am going to share her latest adventure...

It was a regular morning. I was in the bathroom putting on make up and Lola was outside. Our bathroom wall is an exterior wall and I could hear her along side the house, making too much noise. She'd been doing a lot of digging, even though the ground is frozen solid, so I ran outside quick to see what was going on and hopefully put a stop to it.

But I wasn't ready for what I found: A pale yellow, knitted, baby blanket covered in dirt, surrounded by snow, lying a few feet from the house. I instantaneously screamed, "No!" as memories of a little stone marked 'Zig' came to mind. She hadn't been digging just anywhere, she had dug up the previous owner's pet cemetery!

I had seen the gravestone soon after we moved in about three years ago. It creeped me out the first time I saw it, mostly because someone had buried their dog that close the house. The second time I came across that rock I threw it away. It may seem inhumane, but it wasn't my dog, I had no ties to Zig, and I didn't like having a tombstone in my garden!

As soon as we got Lola our neighbors fell in love with her too, and Lola became the thing we had in common. We got to know Russ & Lee much better over this past year and learned more about all the neighborhood pets during this time. We also learned that the previous owners had a golden retriever, and that he got hit by a car on our street. That story had me constantly freaking out that Lola would get hit by a car too (she is a great escape artist and has no road sense whatsoever.) Anyways, Lola loves Russ & Lee as much as she does us I think. It's probably because they are constantly bringing her treats.

Anyhow, there I was in my husband's boots, half dressed, headband on, but not quite enough makeup to be seen in public yet. I grabbed a snow shovel and headed toward what I thought must be Zig's blanket. I wasn't about to touch it with my hands! As I scooped up the precious little blanket it became very clear that this was no ordinary blanket, but the blanket Zig was buried in, and that it was still housing the remains of Zig. As I got the blanket into the scoop two little paws fell out of the blanket, still furry and with really long toenails. At this point I almost vomited and threw the remains into the hole along side our house. I knew I was not going to be able to do anything after seeing those paws.

I called Lola over and grabbed her by the collar and drug her into the house, knowing she was not going back outside until Ben could come home and take care of "it." But as I was dragging my dog I looked around the backyard and took note of all the bones lying in the snow. We never give her bones, and so I had always assumed that they were gifts from Russ & Lee...and at this exact moment a sick thought came over me. Could my dog be a canine cannibal? Had she been chewing on the remnants of her forefathers? Disgusting!

So I did what anyone in my shoes would have done. I removed the dog from the crime scene and called my husband and told him that he was going to have to destroy the evidence.

Skinny Jeans

I don't know who's bright idea it was for skinny jeans to be the "it jeans"...but I have a hunch they were blessed with no butt, slim hips, long legs, and no muffin top (and I'm not talking about cupcake's relative.) I want to wear them, but every time I put them on I want to take them right back off. Maybe it's because I wasn't blessed with all the things mentioned in my first sentence?!

I could have just gone through life never wearing them but then winter came, and boot season, and I really, really love boots. I need to be able to tuck my jeans into my boots!

I tried a pair on last week at TJ Maxx, one of my all time favorite stores. I did the whole jumping dance to get them on and then looked in the mirror and held back the vomit. Disgusting, as suspected. I literally had to peel them off, and in doing so I was peeling off my underwear at the same rate. I've got my butt exposed, I'm hoping on one foot and tugging at the pant leg trying to escape from this horrible garment. I really hope they do not have surveillance in the dressing rooms!

So I was at Forever 21 yesterday and against my better judgment I tried a pair on. Surprisingly enough they fit pretty descent (even though it is a teeny bopper store) and since they were on clearance for only $9.99 I took my chances and purchased them.

I haven't worn them yet, but maybe when I find a long shirt...

Shit

I somehow ended up, quite unexpectedly, on a conference call with a old friend who was reviewing a proposal I had done for a new client. (He works with the client and helped to bring me on board with the current project.)

All this is quite new to me as I have never worked on my own, doing a project "on the side" before. (Can you still call it "on the side" when you have no other real employment? Yes? No?) Anyhow, I called him to discuss my first ever proposal and he tells me that he and the client are currently meeting, discussing my proposal, and he puts me on speaker phone.

It was hard to hear them but I think we discussed a few key points and then I thought he took me off speaker phone, because all of a sudden he was much more audible. He mentioned something that to me seemed rather tricky and I said, "Shit."

Then it hit me...what did I just do? I think I just said "shit" out loud, on speaker phone, as a women is contemplating hiring me!!! It's a little premature in the relationship for the client to know I have a potty mouth! Shit! I have not heard from them yet but I think my angle is to pretend as if it never happened, I think bringing it up would only be making the situation more obvious.

Besides, I really low balled my fee. If they wanted someone who didn't talk like a sailor they would need to pay more.

The greatest thing about being unemployed...

I just hung up the phone with a solicitor from the local fire department wondering if I would purchase tickets to some event that would in return benefit the department, I think. A good cause I guess...but don't you hate it when you get those calls? I feel so guilty that all I am thinking about is how to hang up in the most polite way possible. But in these past few months I have realized I can turn that situation around quite quickly, making the caller feel all the guilt that seconds before I possessed! And I can tell it's working by the tone in their voices.

Caller: Would you like to...give us money?

Me: Oh, you know, I recently became unemployed and...Goodbye.

It was a little more difficult with the American Cancer Society, because I usually do give them money every year, but I think they understood. I think there must be a lot of unemployed people these days because a lot of callers don't even press on with their sales pitch...sometimes they just say, "I understand" and hang up, which I find more comforting.

So, the greatest thing about being unemployed, besides sleeping in, are the guilt free rejections you can offer to various non-profit organizations. (As you can see, this is by no means a good reason to quit your job!)